SoftalkWithPhil

Let me tell y’all something that hurt my feelings when I finally realized it.

For years I kept telling myself I was healing.

Not growing.
Not changing.
Not actually addressing anything.

Healing.

That was the word I used.

If you asked me how life was going, I would’ve told you I was working on myself. If somebody brought up my past, I would’ve told you I was healing. If a relationship ended, I would’ve told you I was healing. If life disappointed me, I would’ve told you I was healing.

Whole time?

I was doing absolutely no healing and the crazy part is I genuinely believed I was.

When I look back at who I used to be, I realize I spent alot of time focusing on external things because external things are easier to fix. It is easier to get a new hairstyle than deal with insecurity. Easier to start a new job than deal with impatience. Easier to find a new relationship than confront loneliness. Easier to stay busy than sit with yourself.

Chilllleeee, busy was my specialty.

If there was something to do, I was doing it. If there was somewhere to go, I was going. If there was somebody to talk to, I was talking. If there was a new goal to chase, I was chasing it. Looking back now, I think I kept myself occupied because stillness made me uncomfortable.

Not physical stillness. The kind where you are alone with your thoughts. The kind where there is no music playing, no television on, no scrolling, no conversations happening, and suddenly all the things you have been avoiding start introducing themselves.

That kind of stillness.

The problem was every time life got quiet, I started hearing things I did not want to hear. Not audible voices before somebody starts calling the church mothers lol, but thoughts. Honest thoughts.

Thoughts about heartbreak. Thoughts about rejection. Thoughts about loneliness. Thoughts about disappointment. Thoughts about things I claimed I was over but clearly wasn’t. So instead of dealing with them, I distracted myself. The easy way out, and because life kept moving forward, I assumed I was moving forward too.

WRONG!

One thing about pain is that time does not automatically heal it. Time simply reveals whether you healed it or buried it.

*Mic Drop!*

That lesson stepped on my neck.

Because I used to think the fact that I wasn’t crying anymore meant I was healed. I thought that because I could talk about certain situations without getting emotional, I was healed. I thought that because years had passed, healing had automatically happened.

Whole time the wound was still there. It was just quieter. The thing that really exposed me was patterns.

You know why?

Because patterns do not lie.

You can tell everybody you’re healed, but let somebody trigger the exact same insecurity and suddenly the old version of you starts clocking back into work. Let somebody reject you and watch how quickly those old feelings show up. Let somebody become inconsistent and suddenly you’re overthinking again. Let somebody disappoint you and now you’re reacting from a place you swore you left years ago.

I had to come to terms with the fact that alot of us are not healing. We are managing. There is a difference. Before y’all throw tomatoes at me, hear me out. How can I say I healed my jealousy if I am still secretly comparing my life to everybody else’s? Don’t even lie and say you haven’t!

How can I say I healed my impatience when I am still frustrated every time God doesn’t move according to MY timeline?

How can I say I healed my insecurity when I still need constant reassurance to feel okay?

How can I say I healed my pride when I struggle admitting I am wrong?

Healed from what exactly, Philisha? That question used to irritate me because I really thought I was doing something too.

One thing God started showing me after I gave my life to Him was that I spent alot of time focusing on what people did to me and very little time focusing on what those experiences created inside of me. That is where things got uncomfortable.

Now we are not talking about the people who hurt me. Now we are talking about me. We are talking about why rejection affected me the way it did. We are talking about why I needed reassurance so much. We are talking about why I became attached to certain people. We are talking about why I struggled with control. We are talking about why I constantly expected the worst.

And honestly? I liked the first conversation alot better.

It is easier to point at other people. It is harder to look in the mirror.

I remember realizing one day that I was not nearly as patient as I thought I was. I genuinely saw myself as a patient person for a short time. Whole time I was patient when things were going my way. Let somebody inconvenience me. Let somebody move slower than I wanted. Let somebody fail to meet my expectations. Suddenly, all that patience packed its bags and left. LORD HELP ME STILL!

Then there was jealousy.

Whew!!!

That one hurt my feelings. Because I never viewed myself as a jealous person. In my mind, jealous people were hateful, bitter, and spiteful. I was none of those things. I wanted good things for people. I celebrated people.

Or so I thought.

Then God started exposing moments where I was wondering why certain blessings seemed to find everybody else first. Why this person got married. Why that person got the job. Why this person’s life seemed to be moving forward while mine felt stuck.

I was not wishing bad on anybody, but I definitely wasn’t celebrating wholeheartedly either. Once God showed me that, I could not unsee it.

That is when I realized healing requires honesty.

Not Instagram honesty. Not “I am healing and choosing peace” honesty.

ACTUAL honesty.

The kind where you sit before God and say, “Lord, I do not like this part of myself, but it is there.” God cannot heal the version of you that you keep pretending does not exist.

The older I get, the more I realize healing is not becoming some perfectly polished version of yourself. It is becoming honest enough to identify your issues without making excuses for them. It is learning accountability. It is allowing God to expose things before life exposes them for you.

If I am being honest with you, that process has been way more painful than any heartbreak I have ever experienced because it is one thing to see other people’s flaws.

It is another thing entirely when God starts showing you your own.

God’s girl,

Phil