SoftalkWithPhil

Happy Sunday, my lovies.

Can I tell y’all my business for a second?

When I first started walking seriously with God, He exposed something in me that I genuinely did not see. I thought I wanted God. I thought I was seeking God. I thought I was praying for God’s will.

Before I gave my life to God, I was absolutely convinced I knew what I wanted out of life. Marriage, children, a good career, financial stability, a beautiful home, and all the cute little things that come with it. In my mind, I had the whole thing mapped out. The funny part is, I spent way more time imagining the promise than I ever spent thinking about God Himself.

If I am being completely honest, I did not realize that was a problem. Now, before somebody starts judging me, let me explain.

Marriage was probably the biggest one for me. For as long as I can remember, I always imagined myself getting married. Not only did I imagine it, I practically planned the whole thing in my head. The wedding, the engagement, the reception, the outfits, the decorations, everything.

Listen.

My wedding was going to be a WHOLE rave.

Dancehall here, dancehall there, dancehall everywhere. Jamaican flags all over the place. People sweating, people whining, people carrying on. You would’ve thought somebody accidentally booked Carnival instead of a wedding reception. The only thing remotely godly about my wedding plans was the fact that I wanted the ceremony inside a church. Once the pastor said “you may kiss the bride,” in my head, the Lord could step to one side because the real party was about to begin.

Now when I look back at that version of myself, I laugh because girl… marriage? As in the same marriage designed by God Himself? The same covenant that is supposed to reflect Christ and His Church? Bright and outta orda eeh man.

The craziest part is I barely thought about the actual husband.

I know. I KNOW!!

I just wanted him to be handsome, “good,” and available. That was pretty much the entire criteria. The wedding had more thought put into it than the actual man standing at the altar.

If I am being even more transparent, I do not think I loved marriage. I loved the idea of marriage. I loved the pictures. I loved the fantasy. I loved the thought of finally arriving at whatever destination I thought marriage represented. I loved the idea of marriage more than I loved understanding God’s purpose for marriage.

I think I loved the promise more than I loved the God who created it.

Before somebody starts reading this and acting like I am crazy, think about your own life for a second. Because for some people it is not marriage. For some people it is money. For some people it is healing. For some people it is success. For some people it is influence, children, ministry, business, or a dream they have been carrying around for years.

Sometimes we become so focused on the gift that we slowly stop pursuing the Giver. The closer I got to God, the more He started peeling back layers of my heart and showing me things I had never questioned before.

I remember one day after I got saved, I was walking outside, and I looked up at the sky. Then, almost immediately, I looked back down because I genuinely felt unworthy to even be looking at it. I know that sounds dramatic, but I was overwhelmed by the fact that God created everything. The clouds, the stars, the oceans, the trees, the birds, the sky itself. Everything. In that moment, I realized I had never looked at the sky in awe before!

And I remember feeling this strong impression to look up again.

So I did.

As I stood there staring at the sky, I started getting emotional because wow…what an incredible God. The same God who created all of this knew my name and was mindful of me. The same God who hung the stars in place knew every mistake I had ever made and still loved me anyway. Not because I deserved it. Not because I earned it. Simply because HE LOVED ME!

While I was standing there, a question dropped into my spirit.

“Why do you actually want to get married?”

Now let me tell you something. That question followed me home and beat me up. Because every answer I came up with sounded good, but did not feel true. I really could not answer it.

I started reaching for all the Christian answers. Companionship. Covenant. Partnership. Purpose. Building a godly family. You know the answers always given!

And yes, those things matter. But they were not the first things sitting in my heart.

For days, I wrestled with that question because if I was going to answer God, I wanted to answer honestly.

Did I want marriage because everybody else wanted marriage?

Did I want marriage because society told me I should?

Did I want marriage because I wanted a wedding?

Did I want marriage because I wanted to have sex in peace? Be honest. We are all adults here.

Did I want marriage because I thought it would automatically make me happy?

The more I sat with the question, the more uncomfortable I became because none of those answers felt complete. Eventually, I realized a huge part of me was afraid of loneliness.

There it was. Not the polished church answer. The real answer.

I was afraid of growing old alone. I wanted companionship. I wanted somebody who would walk through life with me. I wanted somebody who could pray for me when I was struggling. I wanted somebody who could help pull me back toward God when life became overwhelming and my faith felt weak. Someone who could intercede for me the way we see throughout scripture when husbands and wives stood together before God.

The closer I got to God, the more I started understanding that spiritual warfare is real. Life is real. Temptation is real. Discouragement is real. There are days when you feel strong, and there are days when you feel exhausted. There are moments when you need people around you who genuinely love God because sometimes they see things you cannot see.

That completely changed how I viewed marriage. Suddenly, I was not thinking about receptions anymore. I was thinking about covenant. I was thinking about purpose. I was thinking about building something that could actually survive life’s storms. The older I get, the more I understand why God designed marriage as a covenant and not simply a romantic arrangement. Marriage was never supposed to be two people taking cute pictures for Instagram. It was supposed to be two people helping each other make it to Heaven.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I still want my wedding. I am still a woman after all lol. I still want a beautiful wedding one day. But now I need worship there. I need prayer there. I need the presence of God there. I need the Holy Spirit there because what sense does it make to ask God to bless something that was never built around Him in the first place? If a marriage is not planted in good soil, why should I be surprised when it struggles to grow?

A marriage built on aesthetics will eventually run into reality. A marriage built on God has something stronger holding it together, and honestly, marriage was not the only thing I idolized.

Success got me too. I wanted success badly.

Chile.

Let us talk about it.

I wanted a good job, a good salary, and financial stability so badly that I would tailor a resume until you would’ve thought I was applying to run a Fortune 500 company. If confidence alone could get somebody hired, I would’ve been CEO by twenty-three. Now, before y’all start laughing too hard, I know I am not the only one who has ever adjusted a resume to make themselves look a little shinier.

The problem was not the resume.

The problem was my heart.

Because when you idolize success, money, relationships, healing, marriage, influence, or any other promise, you start justifying things you normally would not justify. You start moving things around. You start compromising. You start negotiating with your integrity because you become more focused on obtaining the thing than honoring God while pursuing it. That is real danger.

One of the hardest lessons God has taught me is that anything you gain outside of Him, you usually have to stay outside of Him to keep.

Think about that.

If you lie to get it, you have to keep lying to maintain it. If you manipulate to get it, you have to keep manipulating to maintain it. If you compromise your convictions to get it, eventually you will compromise them again to keep it.

That sounds exhausting. I mean, I KNOW it’s exhausting because I’ve done it.

The older I get, the more I realize God was never trying to withhold good things from me. He was trying to protect me from building my entire life around things that were never meant to sit on the throne of my heart. He was trying to keep good things from becoming gods in my life.

Promises are beautiful. Marriage is beautiful. Success is beautiful. Healing is beautiful. Purpose is beautiful. Dreams are beautiful. But none of those things can carry the weight of being your god. Only God can do that!

If I am being completely honest, I think a lot of us are praying for things we secretly worship. I know that hurts to hear because it hurt me too when I realized it.

These days, I still desire marriage. I still desire purpose. I still desire financial stability, success, healing, and every other thing I pray about that God placed in my heart. I am not pretending those desires disappeared overnight because they didn’t. I am still human. I still get excited thinking about certain dreams. I still catch myself getting ahead of God sometimes.

The difference is I am learning to hold those desires with open hands instead of clenched fists. I no longer want those things more than I want Him.

Because if God gave me every promise I ever prayed for, but I lost intimacy with Him in the process, would I actually have gained anything at all?

And for the first time in my life, I think my answer is no.

God’s girl,

Phil