SoftalkWithPhil

Can we have an honest conversation today?

In this day and age, women have been taught that independence is the ultimate goal, and listen, before anybody starts side-eyeing me through the screen, I am not here to bash independent women because trust me, I WAS her. Matter of fact, I still struggle with certain parts of hyper-independence now, if I am being fully transparent, BUT God is working on me in that area daily.

Being overly independent can become very lonely. It has been quite the ride.

Somewhere along the way, being “strong” became attached to never needing anybody. Never asking for help. Never appearing vulnerable. Never depending too much on people emotionally, financially, mentally, or spiritually. And because social media glorifies the “I got it by myself” mindset so much, a lot of us started confusing survival mode with maturity.

For a long time, I genuinely thought that was maturity. Meanwhile, the whole time we were just emotionally guarded.

I remember seeing this funny video once where BMO from Adventure Time changed its own battery by literally falling onto new batteries because there was nobody around to help. And when I tell you I laughed so hard because OMG… that was literally me. That was my entire personality at one point in life.

I became so independent that even my own parents, the same people God used to bring me into this world and protect me growing up, I still struggled to ask them for help whenever I needed it. I would rather silently stress myself out trying to figure everything out alone than simply say, “Hey… I actually need help.”

And the crazy thing is when you operate like that long enough, it quietly follows you into adulthood.

It follows you into your friendships because now you become the dependable friend who never asks for anything back. It follows you into relationships because now vulnerability starts feeling uncomfortable. It follows you into work because you struggle to delegate things properly. It even follows you into your relationship with God because deep down you are still trying to control every outcome yourself. You start relying on yourself so heavily that dependence on anyone else starts feeling uncomfortable, unnatural, or even unsafe.

That mindset can become very toxic very quickly.

If I am being real, I did not even realize hyper-independence was an issue at first because the world praises it so much. People clap for women who “never need anybody.” They admire it. They encourage it. They even romanticize it. The whole time, some of us are not even independent because we are healed. Some of us are independent because we are terrified of disappointment.

That realization sat me DOWN.

Because if I am being fully transparent, one thing I hate deeply is disappointment. I hate relying on people and then being let down. I hate expecting support and not receiving it. I hate feeling vulnerable with inconsistent people. So instead of risking disappointment, I convinced myself it was safer to just rely on me.

“I’ll handle it.”
“I got it.”
“It’s fine.”
“I don’t need help.”

Meanwhile, internally?
Tired BADDD!!!!!

One thing about hyper-independence, after awhile it starts affecting the way you think emotionally too. .You stop expressing your needs properly because somewhere in your mind you already planned on carrying everything alone anyway. So now people around you do not even realize you need support because you trained yourself to act like everything is okay all the time.

Then eventually you start expecting people to read your mind, which honestly sounds crazy when you say it out loud lol but trust me… I have been there. You stop asking directly for things because a part of you feels like, “If they really care about me, they should just know.”

When they do not know, you quietly become disappointed, pull away emotionally, and go handle everything yourself because that was your original plan all along anyway.

That cycle is so exhausting and lonely. That is the part people do not talk about enough.

Being overly independent can make life feel incredibly lonely because eventually you become emotionally isolated without realizing it. Everybody sees you as capable, strong, dependable, mature, “the one who always has it together”; meanwhile, behind closed doors, you are carrying emotional weight that was never meant to be carried alone.

I think a lot of people see hyper-independent individuals as “strong” without realizing many of us are actually just deeply guarded. Some of us genuinely WANT support. We want help. We want softness. We want the load lightened sometimes. We want somebody dependable enough to lean on. But asking? NOPE. That part feels almost painful. I think some of us became hyper-independent as a form of self-protection.

If I rely on myself only, nobody can disappoint me.
If I handle it myself, nobody can fail me.
If I never ask, nobody can reject me.

But the problem with that mindset is eventually, you stop allowing people to love you properly, too.

Because support requires vulnerability.
Help requires honesty.
Love requires openness.

And if your entire life becomes built around self-preservation, eventually you stop letting people show up for you completely.

Honestly, humans are so weird because why do we draw the line at asking for help specifically? Especially women. We will literally emotionally drain ourselves trying to prove we can handle everything before simply admitting
“Hey… I cannot carry all of this alone.”

Be so fr.

As I got closer to God, one of the first things He started dealing with in me was my need for control. I remember feeling genuinely confused because in my mind I thought being independent was a good thing. Meanwhile, God was basically like:
“Philisha… shed dat.”

I was flabbergasted because what do you mean I now have to fully rely on You after spending years relying on myself? What do you mean I have to trust You even when I do not know the outcome? What do you mean surrender means releasing control too? Honestly, it felt terrifying because I was so used to depending on ME.

One thing about hyper-independent people, trusting fully does not come naturally to us. We like backup plans. We like control. We like knowing how things are going to work out beforehand because control feels safer than vulnerability.

But the closer I got to God, the more I realized surrender and self-reliance cannot sit on the throne at the same time. Strength and control are not the same thing.

Mic Drop!!! SPEAK HOLY SPIRIT!

That lesson right there? Yeah.

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.”

Proverbs 3:5

That scripture sounds beautiful until life starts forcing you to actually live it. Because leaning on your own understanding feels easier sometimes. At least when YOU are controlling things, you know what to expect. But depending on God requires faith and vulnerability and patience, and if we are being real, those things can feel uncomfortable when your entire personality has been built around survival mode.

I am slowly learning that dependence feels different when the person you are depending on is actually trustworthy.

When you truly understand God’s character, His consistency, His reliability, His patience, and His love, dependence stops feeling like weakness and starts feeling like peace. God has never failed me even in seasons where I felt confused, frustrated, emotionally exhausted, disappointed, or scared, and that realization started softening parts of me that were hardened by years of trying to carry everything alone.

Now don’t get me wrong because I still struggle with this sometimes. I still catch myself trying to over-plan everything. I still mentally prepare for worst-case scenarios. I still have moments where asking for help feels uncomfortable. But I am learning that accepting support does not make me weak. Receiving love does not make me weak. Resting does not make me weak either. It makes you human.

I think some of us are tired because God never intended for us to carry life completely alone in the first place.

Love, Phil xoxo