SoftalkWithPhil

One thing nobody truly prepared me for after giving my life to God was how emotional I would become.

And no, I do not mean emotional in a dramatic unstable way. I mean emotionally aware. Emotionally open. Emotionally softened.

Because my goshh… as somebody who rarely cried growing up, I have cried ALOT since getting closer to God lol. Sometimes during prayer. Sometimes during worship. Sometimes while reading scripture. Sometimes because life just started lifing badly and I genuinely had no more strength left to pretend I was okay.

And honestly? I think a lot of people who are used to surviving eventually mistake survival mode for personality.

That was me for years.

Now let me say this clearly because I am not about to come on here and act like I grew up unloved or unsupported because that would be a lie. I thank God deeply for my family and my support system. Truly. But even with good people around you, life still has a way of adding weight onto your shoulders as you get older.

You collect experiences.
You collect disappointments.
You collect heartbreak.
You collect pressure.
You collect responsibilities.
You collect fear.
You collect trauma.

Collecting baggage like Thanos collecting infinity stones chile lol and somewhere along the way, I slowly slipped into survival mode without even realizing it.

I always knew I liked being in charge from I was young. Organizing things. Fixing things. Holding things together. I always wanted to be dependable. Stable. Useful. Strong.

I wanted to be the Henkel glue so badly -_-

Even in friendships, I naturally became the person bringing everybody together. Which is funny because I used to swear I would NEVER become the “host friend” because everybody knows the host is always stuck cleaning up after everybody leaves lol. But somehow? That still became me.

And truthfully I think some people are naturally caretakers. We naturally carry things. We naturally hold emotional space for others. We naturally try to make everybody feel okay even while quietly falling apart ourselves.

Even with family I used to always say, “I’m definitely moving out early and living my own life.” Whole time I became the last one in the nest by default lol.

And truthfully? Sometimes that messes with me emotionally more than people realize.

Because when so many people depend on you, you start feeling guilty for wanting space. Guilty for wanting rest. Guilty for wanting your own life sometimes. Every time I think about branching out fully, this immediate feeling of “ungratefulness” rushes over me.

Then my mind starts going:
“If I leave who will do this?”
“Who will help with that?”
“What happens if they need me?”
“What if something goes wrong?”

And suddenly I convince myself to stay where I am again.

Now let me pause because I am not writing this to vent or to tell people not to branch out or pursue their own lives. Not at all. I am simply being honest about what happens when you have been “the strong one” for too long.

You forget how to rest.

Not physically only.
Mentally too.
Emotionally too.

Your brain becomes trained to constantly think ten steps ahead. You wake up already calculating problems that have not even happened yet. You start preparing for disasters before they arrive. You become so used to carrying everything that resting almost starts feeling irresponsible.

And whew… that is exhausting.

Sometimes survival mode disguises itself as productivity. Everybody praises you because you “handle things well” meanwhile internally your mind never shuts off.

And the craziest part? Being proactive for too long can actually make you stagnant because fear starts disguising itself as wisdom.

You think you are protecting yourself.
Whole time anxiety is quietly running your life.

That realization hit me hard recently.

Because behind closed doors my heart started feeling so heavy emotionally that I genuinely had no choice but to cry out to God.

And when I say cry out, I mean REALLY cry out.

Not cute little quiet tears.
I mean the kind of prayers where your chest physically hurts.
The kind where words stop coming out properly.
The kind where all you can say is, “Lord please help me because I cannot carry this anymore.”

Truthfully, some people will never understand emotional exhaustion because, from the outside your life might not even look “that bad” to them. And that can make things even lonelier sometimes.

People will say:
“You’re strong.”
“You always figure it out.”
“You’re good.”
“It’s not that serious.”

Meanwhile, internally, you feel like your mind has been running a marathon for years without stopping.

One thing God has been teaching me lately is this:
Strength and suppression are not the same thing.

For years, I thought being strong meant pushing through everything silently. Keep functioning. Keep smiling. Keep helping people. Keep holding everything together.

Meanwhile, God was trying to teach me dependence. DUHHHH!!!

Because truthfully? Some of us do not know how to let people help us. Some of us do not know how to be vulnerable. Some of us feel safer being needed than being cared for.

That one stung me a little.

I think that is why Matthew 11:28 hits differently now:

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

Notice Jesus did not say:
“Come unto me once you stop struggling.”
“Come unto me once you become emotionally stable.”
“Come unto me once you fix yourself.”

He said come heavy.

And honestly? I think that invitation alone has healed parts of me slowly.

Because rest in God is not just taking naps and self care days. Rest is trusting that the entire world does not collapse if you are not carrying everything for five minutes.

Rest is understanding you are human.
Rest is releasing control.
Rest is allowing yourself to feel.
Rest is admitting you are tired.
Rest is realizing God never asked you to play savior for everybody.

That was His role. Not yours.

Truth be told, I am still learning softness.

Not weakness. Softness! There is a difference.

Softness is allowing yourself to cry without shame.
Softness is not responding harshly every time life frustrates you.
Softness is letting God tenderize the hardened parts of your heart instead of becoming cold because of what you experienced.
Softness is learning that peace is not laziness.

Maybe that is where I am currently in life.
Learning how to rest without guilt.
Learning how to let God carry things I was never meant to hold alone.
Learning that survival mode is not the same thing as living.

Because truthfully?
I do not just want to survive anymore.

I want peace too.

Love, Phil xoxo