SoftalkWithPhil

We really do not talk about this enough.

Somewhere along the way people started making it seem like loving God means you suddenly become emotionally unshakeable. Like once you pray enough, fast enough, read enough scripture, and attend enough church services you automatically stop struggling mentally and emotionally. And honestly? Be so fr.

I love God deeply and still battle emotionally sometimes.

There are days my mind feels exhausted from overthinking every possible outcome before it even happens. I naturally crave reassurance in almost every area of my life and truthfully that reassurance is not always given. My mind can go from “everything is okay” to worst case scenario in about five business seconds lol. And as a Christian that can become frustrating because why does doubt feel so loud sometimes? Why is it so easy for the enemy to plant negative thoughts in our minds and for us to believe them immediately, but when God speaks life over us suddenly we need twelve confirmations, three signs, and an angel appearance to believe it?

That alone taught me something very important about faith.

Faith would not be faith if we could physically see everything already worked out and that lesson has been beating me up a little lately.

As human beings we naturally gravitate toward what we can touch, what we can explain, what we can calculate, what we can make sense of. We want evidence. We want timelines. We want guarantees. But God often asks us to trust Him before we see the outcome and honestly? That can feel terrifying sometimes.

The crazy thing is God’s goodness is literally everywhere if we pay attention. The problem is negativity is loud and gratitude requires intention.

I remember when I stopped working for a while and all I could focus on were the bills I had to pay and the money I did not have. My mind magnified lack so much that I stopped seeing everything God was still providing. I was so focused on the credit card debt, job applications, rejection emails, and uncertainty that I ignored the fact that I still had somewhere comfortable to sleep every night. I had food to eat daily. I had family. I had support. I could still move around freely. I was still being sustained.

One day, God really convicted me because I kept stressing about tomorrow while He was still providing for today.

Immediately my mind went to the Israelites in the wilderness when God sent manna from Heaven. In Exodus 16, He specifically told them to gather enough for the day. Not enough for next month. Not enough for next year. Enough for today.

And honestly? That messed me up a little.

Because I realized I spend so much time worrying about what could happen tomorrow that sometimes I completely miss what God is doing right now.

The Bible says in Matthew 6:34, “Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.” In simpler terms? Tomorrow already has its own problems. Why are you trying to carry them today too?

Whew.

Please do not misunderstand me because I am not saying do not have goals or plans. I absolutely believe in wisdom, preparation, structure, ambition, all of that. But I also had to start questioning my motives sometimes. Was I planning because I trusted God or was I trying to control every possible outcome because deep down I was afraid?

That waiting season will expose you badly.

And let me tell you something else. Waiting seasons are HARD. Hardddd.

This current season of my life has probably humbled me more emotionally than anything else ever has. During my job search I have heard “no” more times than I ever have in my entire life. And when you are somebody who grew up hearing yes often, rejection can shake your identity if you are not careful.

You start wondering:
“What did I do wrong?”
“Am I not good enough?”
“Did I mess up my life?”
“Did God forget me?”

And truthfully? Sometimes the answer is nothing. Sometimes you did nothing wrong.

Sometimes another child of God was simply meant to receive that blessing instead of you in that moment. That perspective alone has helped me so much because otherwise disappointment can make you bitter very quickly.

Disappointment has a way of making the past look shinier than it actually was.

There were so many moments after moving from Jamaica to the United States where I genuinely wondered if I made the wrong decision. Back home I was okay. I was stable. Life felt familiar. Then suddenly I came here and everything felt upside down at once. Finances, emotions, identity, purpose, waiting seasons, uncertainty. It felt like God picked up my entire life and shook it like juice in a bottle.

Omg, there were moments where I wanted my old life back so badly.

But truthfully? If I never came here maybe I would never have fully answered God’s call over my life. Maybe I would have stayed comfortable forever. Maybe I would have stayed distracted forever. Maybe I would have continued building a life that looked okay externally while internally drifting further away from God.

Sometimes God will disrupt your comfort to save your soul. That process is not always enjoyable.

I get frustrated all the time because I am human. Life starts lifing and sometimes I genuinely sit there like, “Lord… a wah dis?” One time I got so overwhelmed I literally said, “God just come now because this makes no sense to me.”

And maybe somebody reading this feels ashamed because you love God but emotionally you still feel tired, anxious, disappointed, lonely, frustrated, heartbroken, or mentally exhausted sometimes.

Let me tell you something lovingly:
that does not make you a bad Christian.

Even Elijah became emotionally overwhelmed after one of the biggest victories of his life. In 1 Kings 19 he literally sat down and asked God to take his life because he felt exhausted and hopeless. David cried constantly throughout Psalms. Job questioned everything while suffering. Jeremiah was called the weeping prophet for a reason.

God has never been afraid of human emotion. The problem is not having emotions. The problem is letting emotions become your god, and that is the lesson I am still learning every single day.

Because emotions are real, but they are not always truthful. Sometimes your feelings are simply revealing where you need healing, trust, deliverance, maturity, or rest.

So nowadays I am learning to bring my emotions to God instead of pretending they do not exist. I am learning that prayer is not always fancy words and deep revelations. Sometimes prayer is literally, “Lord help me because my mind is doing the most right now.”

And honestly? I think God honors honesty way more than performance.

So if you are emotionally struggling right now while also trying to walk with God, I need you to know this:
You are not crazy,
you are not weak,
and you are not failing at Christianity.

You are human.
You are growing.
And God is still keeping you through it all.

God’s girl,
Phil